The panic rises in my belly, fully fledged and felt. 

Can we save the world?

From a recent experience, it seems, I am unable to love. Not incapable, perhaps. But so many of my habits have become mechanical. Making love becomes "sex", compassionately caring for my partner becomes a mixture of responsibility and old worn out "this is what I just have to do"-ness. And yet, I am not unable to care and love. I have so much love to give. I just don't know how to give it.

It's a shit poem. But seriously...Fuck you if you think it doesn't make sense. It doesn't have to. I welcome your taunts...

A rage meandours through veins and out of eyes,
Succombing to taste, and cutting through lies,
Screaming hate and pushing force,
Forward glance from darkening stare,
Preying victim to kill the hunter.
Opposing forces pull apart the body of man,
Fighting till death for a piece of flesh,
Redress the wound with scar tissue,
And seek the light that darkens the path.

I'm sat with armies battling it out within,
No lines are drawn, all blurred good from sin.
And so they scream for their release,
And I trap them, they are trapped inside.
The blood is dripping from my mouth,
It splashes and lands upon soft ground,
It soaks in. It stains. It is absorbed. It is now the land.

We're all soaked with the rage, the passionate raw,
The blood-quenched pure! The sponge that can hold no more.
So we're distracting ourselves with our integral models,
Our great tasting tongues lick the dry quadrants,
And our jokings and niceties pull us away
From the blood-soaked passion,
We take evolution to be some whole process,
Where we're allowed to be dicks.

I'm increasingly enraged by the bullshit mess,
Of those who are too nice to be enraged,
Who are too angry to be passionately loving,
And there being so little middle ground.
Wrapped up in the cognitive play games,
The passion lost from the in-between space.
The we with too many me's.

I long to stare someone in the eye with a hateful love,
I despair to think I have to do without for another day.
How do we know when to hate with all-embracing love?
No more nice, no more locked up anger.
Looking into the eyes of another, with rage arising.
Hairs standing up, rain dripping down face,
Bloodshot and resentful,
Stares exchange, no smiles around.
Stood still, a battle is fought in presence of the other.
Nothing happens.
Bliss.

Scream for the digest of the unrelenting storm,
Scream for I'm sat alone, shaking and forlorn,
And I'm wanting to be seen, as the surfer of the waves,
But I'm sat wandering in my mind, my dual path of hell.
So scream for the right to be owned and be alive.
Scream so quietly that you push your fears aside.
Scream for the silence that breaks up the noise,
Don't shout lest your breath be deep bellied and raw,
For all of your agonies, into the whole, they pour.

Sample a taste of the unforgotten sadness,
Too close to the surface lies this displaced and broken madness,
Pushed to the back of a wide open heart,
Hardening and rotting around the rim of the jar,
Till thoughts congeal, covering up the youthful spa.
So we're left with a spirit that nobody can see,
And an unscreamed heart full of disjointed glee,
And a belly made of stone, too hardened to be felt,
Touching hearts made of ice, which all too easily melt.

Everyone must watch this video! Beautiful


This video is brilliant. It is a tribute to everyone who values REAL education for our young, and for anyone who sees the true fundamental failures of the education system around the world. If you value a brighter future, please click Play.

Today I noticed a new dimension to my energy. When I look at woman I'm attracted to, I notice my energy moving out of my body. On a subtle mental level this is translated into "I wanna fuck you", "Man you're so hot", "Boy I'd love to give you some". And often it's mostly unconscious. To all those who find this highly offensive, please move on...you're not ready for the truth yet it seems.

So I'm standing there, and along comes this beauty whose face I wanna touch, whose back I wanna rub, and whose ass I'd love to smack. And out goes my energy. I'm affected. I'm totally letting this energy leave my body. Out it goes, snaking across the room, often landing on breasts, bellies, ass or face (in order of importance). She looks at me. I'm affected. I'm no long present, I'm presented. I'm sat in front of her like some lapdog begging for attention.

And then today, I rolled it back in. I noticed the difference energetically. I was looking with the intention of wanting. There was no presence. She doesn't want me to be in front of her like some desperate energy parasite. If she were to go further down the line, I'm sure she'd see that she'd made the right decision. But boy, does she doubt me right there and then. I often used to moan that "First impressions suck. People are so shallow. They don't wanna see anything deeper. It's just all surface that they're interestedd in. They're all shallow". And then I realised that this is because I SUCK at first impressions and presentations. When my eyes look, they leer. I don't mean to. I really don't. In my heart of hearts, I want to offer them love in whatever way I'm able. But my nervous system is pre-programmed for creepiness. In the place I was brought up in, how could I have possibly learnt any other way?

So now my practice is to be present. Look, and take it in. Like taking a deep breath without gasping for air. Like taking in the view without trying to rush the hike. I just have to remain. If I can practice keeping my energy for myself, and just holding all that this other woman is, then I can re-write my own base code programming. I have to feel my energy going in and out. Maybe, as Mr Deida has just told me, I should practice my extremes. Maybe I should focus on letting the energy snake across the room hardcore, and then pull it right back in again and remain present. Or even remain present to it snaking out. It's such a subtle contraction, I'm surprised I became conscious of it.

To all the women who I have found myself attracted to, I'm very sorry for trying to be a lapdog. I promise you, I have a lot of love to give. I just don't yet know how to give it.

So you think you know, do you? What do you know? And how can you possibly know?

Knowing is a dynamic, beautiful process which is more embodied than it is "all in your head". Have you ever written from a space which you have never been able to rekindle? Have you ever talked your friend through a crisis, with no idea what it was you said that made a difference? The harder we try to enter this space, the further we get away from it. Let's see why.

When a situation comes up and we're forced into a role we don't often take, most of the time we don't have to try to enter that space within us. We glide into it - it becomes us. Our centre of gravity shifts and we're forever changed by the recognition that we can be more than we think we are. When we try to re-enter this space within us again, we often try too hard and we become that thing we're trying our best to get away from. It becomes infuriating as we morph into every monster we're familiar with. Every doubt and drop of suffering comes to surface as we ache and pain to re-enter our own boundless Self. Our problem is not that we're not trying hard enough, it's that we are not Knowing, we are trying to Know.

It is often said by every cowboy, indian and guru in the spiritual community that everything we are, we have available to us at any time. Any resources, no matter how unlimited far-fetched or bizarre they might sound, are all there. They're not hidden away, we just don't yet know our battle-cry, as we enter into the raw dance of Spirit that gives us the power to know everything we need, or express every power we wish greater intimacy with. We just have to stop trying to Know. Instead of trying our best to think ourselves into that gracious clarity, let's just say that we're already there.

If we do so to aggrandize ourselves, let us at least acknowledge that and feel our way into the sheer shameful vulnerability which tells us that we are in no way better than anyone else. If we do so to desperately believe that we can be more, then we must get closer to that space which is ashamed to admit that we may be no better than any one else. Whatever we do with our ego, when we acknowledge this state of pure vulnerability which drives us to believe we are more (whether to make us feel better, or to make ourselves feel superior), it must be honoured. It has as much right as any other part of ourselves to be present in the process.

So we breathe in. And we breathe out. And we breathe into the present moment. And we breathe out into the next. And we breathe into the reality of what is going on for us. And we breathe out to accept this is where we are. Doing this a few times can turn us onto where we are. What knowledge is wanting to be imparted in this very moment? We decide what it is we want to write about. May we want to write about something that is going on for us. We want clarity on this. It may well be that we're wanting to understand why we always fall into the same old patterns in relationships. We can breathe ourselves into this state of Knowing all the answers. If we fight where we are (like we often do when we're upset about something), then we'll back ourselves into a corner, to which no Knowledge can reach. We breathe into our bellies and we say to ourselves “This is where I am”...”This is who I am”...”I cannot change this right now”. We breathe out of our bellies, and we feel what is going on. We accept that we can move so flawlessly into whatever state we want.

And then we let ourselves go. If we can give voice to our resistances, then we may come upon the very rawness which dictates our lives. We can allow ourselves to scream out the words that have been hidden for so long. Whether we write them down, or speak them out loud in the privacy of our own room, we're allowing our current state to move more fluidly. We're not trying to get anywhere, other than closer to our own reality. Each breath in becomes a greater embodiment of that state we wish to give voice to.

Power, Stillness, Clarity, Love.

We need not even go that deep. Let's say we want to explore our relationship to our sleeping patterns (why not?), let's feel our way into that. To do that, we must feel into our own corporeal bodies. Spending some time every day doing this will clear a path for greater clarity to move down from our heads into our hearts, and stand strong and firm in our bellies. We feel more and more into ourselves, and allow the writing to emerge from our bodies. The words will come, if you let wherever you are be your centre of gravity - the focal point for our Knowingness. Often the poems I write always start with a paragraph or two of complete nonsense, totally unrelated to what I eventually write about. They often become very powerful because I let my starting point be wherever it is. I can always edit later.

Don't pretend you know the answer. Just Know the answer! Don't think. Just feel. Once you know something from the inside, you can know it truly from the outside, because, if you observe it from the outside enough, then the inside can often take a greater form. Move into a space. Let yourself stretch muscles you never knew were there. Recognise also that there are two different methods (at least insofar as I see them) of Knowing: masculine & feminine. The masculine prefer to know things from the outside; whereas the feminine will occupy the space and move and flow within it. Each of us have the capability to occupy both of these energies, regardless of gender or orientation. Let your sentences complement each other through seeing both dimensions: the view from 50,000ft and the view from within the intensity of what is going on for you.

Each thought, each feeling, each moment, each intertwining and unfolding transparency within you. They're all capable of being touched and brought through. Let yourself speak from each of these voices every moment you can. Let them move through you, as you finally give them voice. They're all capable of such power and such clarity through your channeling of what is, innately, your power. If they scare you, let them out in private before unleashing them into the world. Let your anger be brought out consciously until you can know better of what it is. But before you return to you, let your gentleness balance the equation. You're freeing the dynamic self. You're exercising your extremes. You're flexing your freedom. Both the masculine and the feminine can move through you. Both the raw and the pure can destroy and cleanse you. Your Knowledge can emerge through the ac-knowledge-ment of all that you are experiencing within, and as, your body. There are many ways of Knowing.

But all you need, in spite of all these words, is practice.

I've felt compelled to write about vulnerability. What does it mean to me? What does it mean to other people?

Often people confuse vulnerability with weakness, but I confuse weakness with a lack of vulnerability; or even a lack of acknowledgement of vulnerability. But hold your horses, all you who aren't in touch with your vulnerability. Let's not feel reactive when I say this. Weakness occurs when various parts of our self are disowned. It's basically our shadow. And, unfortunately (or otherwise), they'll probably never be fully integrated into ourselves again. Weakness occurs across many different lines of development, many may be completely disowned altogether. But if we have a sense of self which can manage to accept this, then this doesn't matter so much. We can laugh at our weakness, we can stumble and giggle over our failures, and we can open ourselves up to be completely vulnerable and weak.

Let's bring this energy down a bit more into what I'm writing. I'm feeling vulnerable right now. It feels like an expansive openess. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I'll let in while I write this. I'm afraid I'll make a mistake by pulling in too much energy, or not enough. I'm afraid I'll lose my presence and not return for some time. I'm afraid it'll cause me to lose energy. I'm afraid it'll take a lot of effort for this energy to return. I may have to go through hell to get it back. I may not get it back for a long time. I may not get it back.

They're all fears. They're all expressions of my most basic fears for myself. It may not be that any of them are accurate. But I'm afraid. I'm open. All my voices, all my selves, all the parts of myself which make me up and give voice to the silence, they're not there. They're hidden. They've gone to sleep. Maybe something is pushing them out the way. Maybe they're all working together. But I feel it in my heart. It feels like an emptiness. It pervades my entire body, yes, but it starts in my heart. It feels like a lack of love. For myself? For others? For the conglomerate of the two? My "I" and my "Us" are too distinctly separated. At least in my mind. I don't see the connection that the two hold.

My vulnerability opens me up to the powerful impact of my circumstances. It breaks my heart and opens my heart at the same time. It's a double blow that I react to, instinctively. So what am I going to do with my vulnerability? What CAN I do with it? My mind's muscles feel weak and flacid when dealing with it. Let me stretch out my arms to the side. Let me welcome it in. Let me get down on my knees. Let me help you get down onto your knees as well. Let us surrender. Let us give ourselves into it. Why just try to do it when lying on our beds, or sitting on the couch? Let's both get down on our knees. Let's offer ourselves. If we like to be in control, would the Great Unknown be uncontrolled (if we don't know it)? What would happen if we were to surrender to it? If it were to be given the respect it deserves, would we be giving ourself the respect we deserve?

So if control is our method, then is no control our madness? If we can't let go of ourselves, why not try to let go of ourselves unto something? Let's create an openess for ourselves to this great madness. If we are in agreeance, and our minds want to go all the way, then why not take our bodies along for the ride? If we are desperately trying to grasp the Great Unknown with our minds, then why try to grasp the Unknown (ours or the conglomerate), then would getting down onto our knees and begging for surrender be any different? Is it more sane to be mad in our minds than it is to be mad in our bodies? Do we give ourselves wholly to our mind's wishes? Probably not. Let our body show our mind the way.

Our Vulnerability is our gift to the world. Where some seek to fill it in, do you seek to touch it? Let me take a step back again for a moment. It is from my experience that allowing myself to use the body when trying to access the desired state in my mind often helps me to get in touch with the desired state. I will literally get down onto my knees. I will lie on my bed and spread my arms. I will let the Great Unknown take me. Sometimes this will be the 3rd person Great Unknown. This will be that which moves in and through me. It will be the mystical unknown which I can only observe, even when I enter it. The 3rd person Great Unknown brings me peace and joy. There is no involvement, only simple bliss.

My 2nd person Great Unknown, I surrender to it. We've all seen clips of the religiously inclined, down on their knees, expressing their surrender to that which they never believe they can aspire to. They can only do what they can to be the fullest expression of what they believe this Unknown to be (whether it is ultimately Great or not). My 2nd person Great Unknown breaks my heart. I feel my separation from it. It is over there, and I am over here. It is true, and I will agree with the authoritative religious traditions, we can never be One with the 2nd person Great Unknown (I'm sure they'd put it differentely). Just as I can never see through your eyes, or occupy your experience. But if I learn to accept this, then I can learn to accept that I can never truly know myself. I can accept that I will always be separate from the darkest parts of myself. There will always be a shadow. Because without the shadow, we can never have the light.

When I surrender to my 2nd person Great Unknown (let's call it 2GU - pron. too-goo ;), I can feel the separation from myself and It. As I said, it doesn't have to be mystical. It can be those parts of myself which I just can't see - and so torture me so much more. It can be the yang, as I am the yin. My vulnerability arises through my interaction with this power. Often, our minds get in the way of this process. Our various voices (anger, love, frustration, sadness) often get in the way of this. When we're vulnerable, we can feel our most powerful gifts manifesting themselves in our body. It feels like cold liquid pouring throughout our soul. It feels like if we were to dip our fingers in too long, we'd get frost bite. Ever poured cold water down the front of your body? I dare you not to contract and hold your breath. Ever tried to touch your vulnerability? I dare for you to try not to contract and hold your breath. I ask that you breath in deeper. I ask that you let the breath continue to flow. Everything you need to feel better, it's already within you. It's already present. Once we move the furniture and remove all covers, we can find the big pink elephant that's been standing in our living room the whole time.

We can breath into it. It can make us cry. It can bring us to our knees, whether we like to or not. Sometimes we stop breathing. It's too much of a shock for our system. We feel we're too weak to take it on. Our vessel isn't big enough to contain it. It's more that we're not quite skilled at holding our vessel steady, so as not to spill any. And then we touch our belly. You've gotta have guts to touch your guts. And if we've got the guts, then we can guts on some more.

Are we strong enough to be weak? We are strong enough. Vulnerability is to the Beautiful, as Strength is to the True, as Heart is to the Good. Without Strength, we would never bring ourselves closer to the fullest expression of our infinite expressiveness. Without Vulnerability, we can never truly appreciate the beauty of it. Without Heart, we can never know how best to mix the two so that others can come to love all that we do.

The Heart, the Strength, The Vulnerability. The Good, the True, the Beautiful. Plato had something going for him on these three :)